My niece had been begging for Elf on the Shelf. She was so obsessed with the YouTube videos. She had it in her head, that the horrible bastard was alive.
We were at the book store, and I was looking at some new tarot cards when she came running up to me with the box with You Know Who.
“Look, Auntie!” she crowed. “What I found”
“No” I said.
“But Auntie” her expression was crestfallen.
“You are not responsible enough for Elf on the Shelf” I went on, I had to nip this in the bud. No way was she getting this horrible toy! “It will die”
My niece’s eyes went wide. “What?”
“Who will feed it? Your mom? No. Me? no”
My niece looked at the Bastard looked at me, her disbelief was evident. “Auntie this elf is not alive.”
“Well who do you think does those horrible things in the video? People? I dont think so!” I sighed.
Around me, parents were tittering anxiously. They were hearing our conversation obviously. My niece wasnt exactly quiet about her displeasure being told no.
“Auntie I am responsible!” she cried. “I have gerbils!”
I shook my head, “Nope, your mom feeds the gerbils. If you dont feed this elf, it will die. Then who will tell Santa you have been bad or good! I am not going to. Your mom will just have to tell him you killed the elf”
“Auntie!!!” my niece cried. “I am not going to kill the elf!”
“Yep. You better put it back and save its life!” I told her.
The parents around me were completely horrified that I was having this conversation. I was trying to keep a sober expression, but their reactions were priceless.
My niece stomped off, and I turned back to the New Age display in triumph.
Fuck you, Elf on the Shelf.