GOING DARK


“You ok?”

They were sitting by the lake, watching the last rays of sunlight streak across the sky.

Even before she spoke, he felt her fingers creep into his offering him comfort. Startled, he glanced down where their fingers were now twined. Fitting together. He felt lucky somehow.  that even when his thoughts were a mess or his heart was heavy with turmoil, her touch became a beacon drawing him out of the darkness.

“Thank you” he murmured.

She blinked, bewildered at his words. “For what?” she asked.

He smiled, “For asking if I was ok.” His fingers tightened around hers. He felt her wince, but she didn’t ask him to let go.  “Sometimes, I get lost in my little world. Sometimes I feel like there is this darkness closing in over me. I feel so overwhelmed.” he took a deep breath. “I pray. I really do. Sometimes I think God can’t hear me. ” he hung his head as if he was ashamed to admit his faith was wavering “I am afraid of failing. That’s why I work so hard. I strive to do my best, and sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. I am not enough”

His heart pounded in his chest. Dear lord, he sounded so ridiculous. Yet the anxiousness and tension in his body seemed to ease once he said those scary words. He steeled himself for her response, praying she wouldn’t laugh at him for being so open with his emotions.

She rested her head on his shoulder. “I am happy you told me,” she murmured. “Everybody isn’t perfect. We aren’t made that way.  We would be pretty boring.”  she raised his hand to her mouth, and kissed his knuckles. “You are the most successful person I know. Being afraid is ok, it doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.” she smiled against his skin and then nuzzled her face into the crook of his throat. “and you can talk to me anytime, you feel like this” she kissed his pulse where it beat frantically. “I too have seen the Darkside.” she nuzzled him again then raised her eyes to his.

There was no laughter in her voice, and the brightness in her eyes dulled.  only a bleak somber despair “Promise me you will talk to me if you feel that Dark!”

She was scared, he realized. Scared he might hurt himself. He nodded. “I am lucky you know that?” he whispered drawing her closer to him. “I have you.”

-This was supposed to be a happy post. about how some people know when others are feeling sad. How important it is to communicate. But I was remembering my suicidal thoughts. Not one person listened to me. Not one person that weekend.

So when I got to work that following Monday I was a complete mess. I got into it with a co-worker who made me cry and I stormed out of the kitchen because he made me remember that day. He was so astonished by my reaction that when I came back he apologized that he truly meant nothing by his remark. First time I ever saw him apologize for anything.  but he never asked me what was wrong. or why.  No one did.

It was only on my lunch break when one person asked me what was wrong and listened.

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “GOING DARK

  1. Depression is an awful beast, isn’t it. It casts a shadow over everything and cuts you off from everyone. I found at my worst times, even if people were willing to listen, it was still such a struggle to convey what I was going through. Do you still battle it these days?

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  2. Yes. But not it wasn’t bad As it was in my teens. And early 20s. I was always depressed. Near manic. I found out the medicine I was on for my epilepsy was making me feel like that. It was to treat depression but it wasn’t doing anything good, just bad.
    So when I changed medicine it was like the fog lifted. I could see things clearly I felt better. I am a lot happier. I sometimes have my dark days.

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♥writing was all I had, all I’ve ever had, the only currency, the only proof that I was alive. Memory.♥ each of us has a story to tell. Leave your thoughts. Leave your comments.

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