EYES TO SEE THE UNSEEN


  • Eyes to see the Unseen
  • Heart to feel compassion
  • Feather for sacrifice

Sounds similar to a spell. they were items a Golem was searching for to become human.

Ugh what a weird dream.

However it made me realize how recovery from cancer can transform (?) a person’s perception.

Become more compassionate and empathetic. I cry over everything 🤦‍♀️🥰🥰😊 especially if someone is so happy 😀

It’s truly a blessing.

ALL IS WELL


I love the cancer lodge.

They opened up the library. The rec room and the tv room.

Each floor had to go down and eat at separate times.

Last night supper was Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and green beans. It was ok.

I didn’t have a good sleep.

The bed was comfy. The pillow was comfy.

My chemo arm was bothering me. My body swelled up like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man! That’s what I get for eating seaweed as a snack!

I had sausage eggs and raisin toast for breakfast. I was the last one down for breakfast.

My appointment went well.

The doctor assured me all is well. No reoccurrence of cancer☺️

NO SNACKS?! OH THE HUMANITY!


I have such anxiety about driving.

It’s my annual cancer follow up tomorrow and I have to travel out of town for it.

I am not a bad traveller. I don’t complain “are we there yet?” Or have car sickness.

I just get antsy if the driver isn’t focused on the road. Too distracted by talking and looking around or fumbling for their coffee.

I try to keep my mind off the road by reading, watching TikTok, sleeping. I get upset when people insist on talking to me. (Only if I am in the backseat)😂

On the bright side? Someone has to take orders on Second lane! Nobody wants to! They all looked at me in shock and disbelief! “What do you mean you’re not going to be here?! No! No! I don’t want to do second lane!”

I revelled in their cries of horror and dismay! “Have fun you guys!” I danced my way off shift yesterday.

Then this morning walked in to get my breakfast. Waved at their grumpy faces.

“Going on a road trip?” Steve asked. I nodded.

“Your mom driving?” He chuckled.

“Um no!” I shuddered “thankfully my dad is coming too! He is driving”

Steve laughed.

My mom hates driving with me 😂 she says I am boring! so she is so happy my dad wanted to come with us 😂

Downside I have no snacks! Oh the humanity!

WHERE IS THERE HOPE


This scene struck a chord with me. It made me realize not everyone has great conversations with their doctors. Lack of understanding or empathy can make it worse for the doctor to understand what the patient is going through. Especially when patients describe their symptoms.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM8TaxrF9/

My doctors kept insisting I needed therapy because I was too happy when I received diagnosis. When someone has been so sick and pain, they finally have diagnosis? It’s a relief.

Doctors kept insisting I would become sicker, weaker. I was terrified of throwing up because that was what I had been doing for months.

It was a wonderful relief to me when my treatment was easy on me. I had been so afraid of all the side effects the doctors insisted I would have. I was just so grateful.

When asked how my prognosis would be after treatment, A doctor told my family and I that I would die in 5 years. Don’t get your hopes up. You have 5 years. I told my oncologist about that conversation, she was pissed off about that.

I was so lucky my doctors were kind and explained things to me in a way I could understand. I think cancer patients are brave and strong. I just pray for their well-being emotionally, physically and mentally.

TIRED OF EXPLAINING MYSELF


I had lots of energy today but by mid-afternoon I was physically exhausted.

I made the mistake of going to my parents for dinner.

Had I known they were having company over I would have stayed home.

My mom was glaring at me. I was minding my business. Staying quiet only speaking when spoken to.

Yet she was glaring at me.

“Oh my god how long does it take you to get up?” She complained when I was getting up to go to the table.

“Excuse me” I was bewildered.

“You’re getting too fat you can’t even get up.”

I glared at her. I could get up just fine, but it was out of habit that I got up slowly. Two years of being severely ill. it was a reflex. I was tired of explaining that to her.

I sat myself at the table. I was offered cheese bread by a guest, but my mom snarked “she is on a diet! She can’t eat that!”

Again the whole time my mom was glaring at me.

She then had the gall to call me a few minutes ago “Becky, you need to stop eating! You are so morbidly obese you can’t even walk! You can’t even get up!”

I was just stunned by her attack. I am already having a hard time eating. Finding food that I like. I burst into tears.

“Oh stop your crying!” She snapped.

“I am already having anxiety about eating! Everything I eat is bland. I hardly eat anything!”

“Then stop eating eggs or whatever you have for breakfast!” My mom snapped. “You’re so huge. Start walking!”

“You know nothing about my body, you stupid bitch!” I shouted and I hung up.

She tried to call again but I didn’t answer.

What did I expect? she thought my tumour was fat. Thought it was horrible I was gaining my appetite back during chemo, despite my nurse telling her I needed the food.

I’m so tired of this already. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. No one listens anyway.

ENJOY AND LAUGH ABOUT THE RIDICULOUSNESS


Oh no! My chemo brain:

What I wanted to say!

  • Daisy, Mommy will look at your mouth.
  • I will turn off the lights.

What I ended up saying:

  • Daisy will look in mommy
  • I will turn off the eyes.

I think my brain is having a hard time catching up with my mouth 🤦‍♀️

I am going to stop blaming everything on my chemo. I am so grateful everything went well so what if a few brain cells are short circuiting!

I just have to enjoy and laugh the weird things that keep coming out of my mouth 🥰🥰🥰😂

EVERY THING IS OK. Every thing is alright


I wasn’t too impressed with myself. I thought it would be cold in Prince George like it was last time. I had been so cold.

When I walked into my room? It was warm. Despite the rainy weather. Nice! Wait! I packed my winter pjs!😱🤦‍♀️

When I unpacked? I found I didn’t pack my body wash. Not enough wipes. No cleanser! The water was lukewarm!

My routine at home is I scrub myself clean every night before bed. This was going to be a disaster!

Oh well had to make do!

I didn’t get much sleep. I usually sleep like a log when I am at the cancer lodge!

They have a comfy bed, pillow and blankets! It’s like being wrapped in a fluffy cloud burrito!

Yet I still couldn’t sleep!

I listened to music, lullabies, Reddit podcasts. The Orphan Black New Chapter podcast. Nothing was working!

I had to elevate my leg and then BAM! I was out like a light!

I woke up I had breakfast. The house keeper from my month stay was still there! As well as the cook!

My sister called. To tell me she couldn’t believe how well behaved Daisy was. She believes that Daisy is an ill behaved monster who deserves to be throat punched!

I laughed. Mel doesn’t like Daisy! Even though Daisy used to be her cat!

I went shopping. Bought some Bath & Body products! Some other things.

LATER:

I just finished my appointment. 15 minutes! Nice! Every thing is ok.

TIME FOR ANOTHER FOLLOW UP


On my way for another follow up. It’s very important to be aware of your body, to be in tune with yourself.

If something doesn’t feel right don’t ignore it. Irregular periods, heavy flow, back pain, bloating, full after eating. Nails peeling, these were symptoms I had.

However my pain I ignored. I had been in pain for months. The pain a tumour creates? Is indescribable. Combined with a hernia? I completely ignored my pain. I worked. I slept. I could barely walk. Bend over. Eat. Or roll over in my sleep. It was painful but I ignored it and went on. Because in my way of my thinking, there were people who were sicker, in worse off pain than I. I had no business complaining about my pain!

This I tell you! Complain! Make people hear you! Make your doctors hear you! If something is wrong with you don’t ignore it!

It wasn’t until I started throwing up three to five times a day a month before I began to notice my body really was out of whack. I was freezing all the time. my leg swelled up twice it’s size that I woke up and realized nothing about my pain was normal! Blood clots were found in both lungs, in my left leg. I needed 4 blood transfusions. And a tumour the size of grapefruit was found on my left ovary!

My follow ups are always met with unease. I am unsure if it’s going to be good news or bad news.

I always try to be optimistic about them since I have been so grateful how well my treatment went. How well I have been.

I mean no one likes a speculum in their lady bits!

s#BCCancerSociety #ovariancancer #ovariancancerawareness

GETTING A GRIP!


I had a severe panic attack this morning.

After a few hilarious setbacks, my brain went haywire!

I couldn’t remember how to make coffee.

I had the coffee grounds in my hand the filter in the other. And it was like a switch gone off.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked the mcCafe person.

She stared at me in confusion. “Make coffee”

How? “How do I it?” I was so confused. I couldn’t figure what to do with the grounds. She got impatient. Grabbed the grounds and dumped them in.

I was bewildered.I could feel my heart race panic rising. Tears filled my eyes.

I couldn’t remember one simple task!

I had to apologize to my team and ask them to be patient with me if I am out of sorts and edgy because I was having chemo brain. I was in a lot of confusion!

WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS


I just remembered my two year anniversary! Treatment ended on the 26! (July)

I only remembered because I was watching another cancer patient’s treatment end. How happy she was. She didn’t have the strength to celebrate but one could tell her joy was immense. Her relief boundless.

It always makes me so emotional to see others so happy.

It amazes me how strong cancer patients are!