ITS GONNA BE MAY-

It’s a beautiful sunny day!

For the First of May!

snow is finally melting after the snowfall we had this week.

It’s our Second Winter 😂

snow usually falls May long weekend, the Northerners can bank on it! So we can enjoy the brief sunny warm weather while we can!

I woke up feeling so much better!

I’m craving fried chicken!

JUST MY LUCK!

ER wasn’t too busy but still bit of a wait. Just finished a chest x ray. Doctor said I may have developed pneumonia 🤦‍♀️🙄😂

Just my luck!

CAGED ANIMAL

I feel like a caged animal!

I haven’t been outside in five days!

The sun is bright. It’s -19C

I opened a window to let in fresh air and it felt wonderful!

I am hoping to be better by tomorrow so I can go out! Go to work!

Just having a hard time with my cough!

A FUTILE ATTEMPT INDEED

I tried to make an appointment with my doctor today. It was a futile attempt. She was booked throughout February. March was the best I could do.

On the plus side I missed the call from my oncologist. She will call back to make an appointment. I hope.

My mother suggested I take another leave of absence.

I don’t know about that.

“You only worked two and half days this week!” – dad

“Well she should know if she is well enough to work. She is almost 50!” – mom

Took me a moment to realize what she said! I couldn’t help it! I burst out laughing! My mom used to say “she should know she is almost 20.” Or almost 30.

My dad stared at me. “Why are you laughing?! It’s not funny!” He scowled.

I rolled my eyes.

My dad doesn’t have a sense of humour. He is such a Debbie downer!

“Stop being such a sour lemon!” I snapped “mom was making fun of me! It was funny!”

Mom laughed “it’s true she is getting old! I can’t believe I am almost 70”

“I don’t see what was funny!”

“You wouldn’t! You don’t have a sense of humour!” I sighed “it’s annoying! You’re a sour puss! A lemon!” I smirked. “What smells in here?! it smells lemony fresh! it’s just dad! Who put too much lemon in my lemonade that’s just dad!”

My mom couldn’t contain herself! She was laughing so hard she could barely breathe. My dad however looked as if he was ready to kill me!

“You can break a mirror with that look! Lighten up, old man!” I scowled. “How the hell can you maintain conversations if you don’t have any kind of humour? Life of the party much!”

I was tired of being around grumpy people.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

I’ve been sick the last couple of days.

I was sent home early because I could barely make it through the day.

What is happening with my life?!

Frankly I haven’t had the energy to blog.

I just laid here in my bed, sleeping.

Fading like a flower.

LAST NIGHT WAS ROUGH

In keeping up with tradition I fell ill a couple days short of Christmas!

Ever since I was a young girl I would fall ill. Sometimes tonsillitis, sometimes laryngitis whatever.

Last night was rough!

In truth I believe it was retribution for looking in the mirror and complaining how fat I was. I believe the Lord took offence to my words because He took me through my illness and healed me🥰

I woke up a couple hours after falling asleep. Coughing and choking on vomit. I barely made it to the bathroom before the other end acted up.

After a half hour trying to keep the nausea down I managed to climb into the shower. I hoped to finish my nausea spell. No. I coughed up something.

I freaked out when a huge clump of blood clots flew in to my hand! I am crying and panicking. I looked closer. It was a piece of bacon with mucus! 🤦‍♀️🤮

I almost fainted!

My shower finished I pulled back the shower curtain to find Daisy lying on the floor. She cuddled me as I tried to recover then went back to the living room.

I had a good sleep if one could call it that.

I did have to call out sick 2 hours before my shift started. Daisy had to climb up on me to get me up. she was hungry 😂

She curled up beside me when I went back to bed.

TIRED OF EXPLAINING MYSELF

I had lots of energy today but by mid-afternoon I was physically exhausted.

I made the mistake of going to my parents for dinner.

Had I known they were having company over I would have stayed home.

My mom was glaring at me. I was minding my business. Staying quiet only speaking when spoken to.

Yet she was glaring at me.

“Oh my god how long does it take you to get up?” She complained when I was getting up to go to the table.

“Excuse me” I was bewildered.

“You’re getting too fat you can’t even get up.”

I glared at her. I could get up just fine, but it was out of habit that I got up slowly. Two years of being severely ill. it was a reflex. I was tired of explaining that to her.

I sat myself at the table. I was offered cheese bread by a guest, but my mom snarked “she is on a diet! She can’t eat that!”

Again the whole time my mom was glaring at me.

She then had the gall to call me a few minutes ago “Becky, you need to stop eating! You are so morbidly obese you can’t even walk! You can’t even get up!”

I was just stunned by her attack. I am already having a hard time eating. Finding food that I like. I burst into tears.

“Oh stop your crying!” She snapped.

“I am already having anxiety about eating! Everything I eat is bland. I hardly eat anything!”

“Then stop eating eggs or whatever you have for breakfast!” My mom snapped. “You’re so huge. Start walking!”

“You know nothing about my body, you stupid bitch!” I shouted and I hung up.

She tried to call again but I didn’t answer.

What did I expect? she thought my tumour was fat. Thought it was horrible I was gaining my appetite back during chemo, despite my nurse telling her I needed the food.

I’m so tired of this already. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. No one listens anyway.

KEEP GOING!

I had a really good day.

I enjoyed myself.

It felt like the old days working with my favourite people.

I didn’t even mind when there was no mcCafe person.

However, towards the end of my shift my bum leg began to bother me to the point I had to go off the floor and check it out.

Trying to pretend everything was ok while my paranoia was going off the charts was hard.

What if it was another blood clot. So many what ifs.

The blood clots weren’t really scaring me. It was the idea of becoming sick (vomiting) and being in pain.

There is pain then there is tumour pain.

I didn’t want to relive it!

I took a deep breath, forced all those thoughts out of my head and kept going!

I was so happy to be home.

I put my leg up and I am going to bed early.

TIME FOR ANOTHER FOLLOW UP

On my way for another follow up. It’s very important to be aware of your body, to be in tune with yourself.

If something doesn’t feel right don’t ignore it. Irregular periods, heavy flow, back pain, bloating, full after eating. Nails peeling, these were symptoms I had.

However my pain I ignored. I had been in pain for months. The pain a tumour creates? Is indescribable. Combined with a hernia? I completely ignored my pain. I worked. I slept. I could barely walk. Bend over. Eat. Or roll over in my sleep. It was painful but I ignored it and went on. Because in my way of my thinking, there were people who were sicker, in worse off pain than I. I had no business complaining about my pain!

This I tell you! Complain! Make people hear you! Make your doctors hear you! If something is wrong with you don’t ignore it!

It wasn’t until I started throwing up three to five times a day a month before I began to notice my body really was out of whack. I was freezing all the time. my leg swelled up twice it’s size that I woke up and realized nothing about my pain was normal! Blood clots were found in both lungs, in my left leg. I needed 4 blood transfusions. And a tumour the size of grapefruit was found on my left ovary!

My follow ups are always met with unease. I am unsure if it’s going to be good news or bad news.

I always try to be optimistic about them since I have been so grateful how well my treatment went. How well I have been.

I mean no one likes a speculum in their lady bits!

s#BCCancerSociety #ovariancancer #ovariancancerawareness

ITS NOT OK FOR YOU TO BE TALKING ABOUT THESE THINGS

My sister made lasagna for the family. She is such a wonderful cook!

When we arrived at my parents, my dad wasn’t feeling well. He protested going to the ER. He still had horrible trauma(?) from being in a coma and didn’t want to go through that again.

“That” being told there is nothing wrong with him until he ended up in coma.

However he told us he was having difficulty speaking. He made light of how he was feeling. Trying not to frighten K. When it was time to eat, he was supposed to sit at the table. Instead he wandered around, stopped and stared for moments in space. Then when we insisted he go to ER he waved it off.

Suddenly he began to cry. he walked to his room came back to eat. Acting as if nothing happened.

Kai tried to comfort him. “It’s ok, grandpa if you want to go to the ER I will go with you. If you want to talk I will be here”

Awe my heart! I love her so much! She would be such a wonderful nurse!

What bothered me was how my sister reacted!

K and I could not talk about my dad and his symptoms without her “I’m not arguing with you! It’s not fine! He’s not fine! Blah blah” we could not get a word out before she would say these things to us!

Forget about mentioning anything about my cancer and my dad’s COVID! What would I know about being ill and in the hospital? “Don’t you remember how serious Dad’s illness was?!” Um yes.

Her attitude didn’t help K’s emotional state.

People don’t realize how traumatic their illness can affect their loved ones. My cancer was very traumatic for Kai! She thought I was going to die. then Grandpa almost died from COVID?

Kai became sick months ago. We didn’t realize how sick. Because her symptoms mirrored menstruation.

My niece had been lethargic. Complaining of being unable to eat, and nausea. My sister brushed it off. As attention seeking.

So when she became sicker she didn’t want to go to the hospital. She told my mom she didn’t want to end up like me.

That broke my heart! I told her when I was finally diagnosed that was the happiest day of my life! She went to the ER with me and her mom.

She had a bacterial infection in her intestines!

So when my sister told Kai and we don’t know what it was like for Grandpa- maybe he was scared to go? Kai became upset!

“I do! Because I was scared! I’m going to go with Grandpa if he wants!”

I smiled at my niece. “Grandpa would love it!” I glared at my sister “grow up! Not every thing is about you!”