WHERE IS THERE HOPE

This scene struck a chord with me. It made me realize not everyone has great conversations with their doctors. Lack of understanding or empathy can make it worse for the doctor to understand what the patient is going through. Especially when patients describe their symptoms.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM8TaxrF9/

My doctors kept insisting I needed therapy because I was too happy when I received diagnosis. When someone has been so sick and pain, they finally have diagnosis? It’s a relief.

Doctors kept insisting I would become sicker, weaker. I was terrified of throwing up because that was what I had been doing for months.

It was a wonderful relief to me when my treatment was easy on me. I had been so afraid of all the side effects the doctors insisted I would have. I was just so grateful.

When asked how my prognosis would be after treatment, A doctor told my family and I that I would die in 5 years. Don’t get your hopes up. You have 5 years. I told my oncologist about that conversation, she was pissed off about that.

I was so lucky my doctors were kind and explained things to me in a way I could understand. I think cancer patients are brave and strong. I just pray for their well-being emotionally, physically and mentally.

TIRED OF EXPLAINING MYSELF

I had lots of energy today but by mid-afternoon I was physically exhausted.

I made the mistake of going to my parents for dinner.

Had I known they were having company over I would have stayed home.

My mom was glaring at me. I was minding my business. Staying quiet only speaking when spoken to.

Yet she was glaring at me.

“Oh my god how long does it take you to get up?” She complained when I was getting up to go to the table.

“Excuse me” I was bewildered.

“You’re getting too fat you can’t even get up.”

I glared at her. I could get up just fine, but it was out of habit that I got up slowly. Two years of being severely ill. it was a reflex. I was tired of explaining that to her.

I sat myself at the table. I was offered cheese bread by a guest, but my mom snarked “she is on a diet! She can’t eat that!”

Again the whole time my mom was glaring at me.

She then had the gall to call me a few minutes ago “Becky, you need to stop eating! You are so morbidly obese you can’t even walk! You can’t even get up!”

I was just stunned by her attack. I am already having a hard time eating. Finding food that I like. I burst into tears.

“Oh stop your crying!” She snapped.

“I am already having anxiety about eating! Everything I eat is bland. I hardly eat anything!”

“Then stop eating eggs or whatever you have for breakfast!” My mom snapped. “You’re so huge. Start walking!”

“You know nothing about my body, you stupid bitch!” I shouted and I hung up.

She tried to call again but I didn’t answer.

What did I expect? she thought my tumour was fat. Thought it was horrible I was gaining my appetite back during chemo, despite my nurse telling her I needed the food.

I’m so tired of this already. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. No one listens anyway.

EVERY THING IS OK. Every thing is alright

I wasn’t too impressed with myself. I thought it would be cold in Prince George like it was last time. I had been so cold.

When I walked into my room? It was warm. Despite the rainy weather. Nice! Wait! I packed my winter pjs!😱🤦‍♀️

When I unpacked? I found I didn’t pack my body wash. Not enough wipes. No cleanser! The water was lukewarm!

My routine at home is I scrub myself clean every night before bed. This was going to be a disaster!

Oh well had to make do!

I didn’t get much sleep. I usually sleep like a log when I am at the cancer lodge!

They have a comfy bed, pillow and blankets! It’s like being wrapped in a fluffy cloud burrito!

Yet I still couldn’t sleep!

I listened to music, lullabies, Reddit podcasts. The Orphan Black New Chapter podcast. Nothing was working!

I had to elevate my leg and then BAM! I was out like a light!

I woke up I had breakfast. The house keeper from my month stay was still there! As well as the cook!

My sister called. To tell me she couldn’t believe how well behaved Daisy was. She believes that Daisy is an ill behaved monster who deserves to be throat punched!

I laughed. Mel doesn’t like Daisy! Even though Daisy used to be her cat!

I went shopping. Bought some Bath & Body products! Some other things.

LATER:

I just finished my appointment. 15 minutes! Nice! Every thing is ok.

TIME FOR ANOTHER FOLLOW UP

On my way for another follow up. It’s very important to be aware of your body, to be in tune with yourself.

If something doesn’t feel right don’t ignore it. Irregular periods, heavy flow, back pain, bloating, full after eating. Nails peeling, these were symptoms I had.

However my pain I ignored. I had been in pain for months. The pain a tumour creates? Is indescribable. Combined with a hernia? I completely ignored my pain. I worked. I slept. I could barely walk. Bend over. Eat. Or roll over in my sleep. It was painful but I ignored it and went on. Because in my way of my thinking, there were people who were sicker, in worse off pain than I. I had no business complaining about my pain!

This I tell you! Complain! Make people hear you! Make your doctors hear you! If something is wrong with you don’t ignore it!

It wasn’t until I started throwing up three to five times a day a month before I began to notice my body really was out of whack. I was freezing all the time. my leg swelled up twice it’s size that I woke up and realized nothing about my pain was normal! Blood clots were found in both lungs, in my left leg. I needed 4 blood transfusions. And a tumour the size of grapefruit was found on my left ovary!

My follow ups are always met with unease. I am unsure if it’s going to be good news or bad news.

I always try to be optimistic about them since I have been so grateful how well my treatment went. How well I have been.

I mean no one likes a speculum in their lady bits!

s#BCCancerSociety #ovariancancer #ovariancancerawareness

GETTING A GRIP!

I had a severe panic attack this morning.

After a few hilarious setbacks, my brain went haywire!

I couldn’t remember how to make coffee.

I had the coffee grounds in my hand the filter in the other. And it was like a switch gone off.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked the mcCafe person.

She stared at me in confusion. “Make coffee”

How? “How do I it?” I was so confused. I couldn’t figure what to do with the grounds. She got impatient. Grabbed the grounds and dumped them in.

I was bewildered.I could feel my heart race panic rising. Tears filled my eyes.

I couldn’t remember one simple task!

I had to apologize to my team and ask them to be patient with me if I am out of sorts and edgy because I was having chemo brain. I was in a lot of confusion!

WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS

I just remembered my two year anniversary! Treatment ended on the 26! (July)

I only remembered because I was watching another cancer patient’s treatment end. How happy she was. She didn’t have the strength to celebrate but one could tell her joy was immense. Her relief boundless.

It always makes me so emotional to see others so happy.

It amazes me how strong cancer patients are!

HAPPY TO BE SINGLE

If I had a dating profile?

This song would be the before

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMd3WNB7x/

This would be the after.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMd3WFRNM/

Scary! Even eHarmony wouldn’t be able to help!

This weekend made me so feel happy I was single.

Honestly, unless someone was caring, compassionate and committed, I don’t think a partner would be able to deal with a Cancer prognosis, the treatment and then the effects afterwards.

In my naïveté, I believed that the physical side effects would last months to a year. Emotional outbursts I could handle, but having my body turn against me at the inopportune time? No!

This morning was so rough, I wondered why I even got up.

It began normal, a cool shower. I felt something tickle the back of my throat. I choked. I have horrible gag reflex. I ended up vomiting all over the shower stall. Then to my horror, rumble bum.

It took me half hour to scrub myself clean, the tub. I was almost late for my ride to work.

Moments before I was to begin work, I was in “dire straits” Almost late.

The whole shift my chemo brain was in high gear. I had to keep apologizing for my brain fog. Apologizing if I was little edgy.

Meanwhile I was having severe anxiety about my hygiene. my OCD was flared. I kept rubbing hand soap all over all my uniform. Washing my hands.

Being unclean is not option. being around someone who smells, triggers my OCD. I am in a constant state of hyper vigilance. So myself being unclean? I was going nuts!!!

The whole time I had that horrible thought in the back of my mind. What if my lover had to see all that? Better yet, what kind of person would I be if I to were have a loved one go through an illness?

It was a sobering thought. Suddenly my bad morning (?) seemed insignificant.

ITS NOT OK FOR YOU TO BE TALKING ABOUT THESE THINGS

My sister made lasagna for the family. She is such a wonderful cook!

When we arrived at my parents, my dad wasn’t feeling well. He protested going to the ER. He still had horrible trauma(?) from being in a coma and didn’t want to go through that again.

“That” being told there is nothing wrong with him until he ended up in coma.

However he told us he was having difficulty speaking. He made light of how he was feeling. Trying not to frighten K. When it was time to eat, he was supposed to sit at the table. Instead he wandered around, stopped and stared for moments in space. Then when we insisted he go to ER he waved it off.

Suddenly he began to cry. he walked to his room came back to eat. Acting as if nothing happened.

Kai tried to comfort him. “It’s ok, grandpa if you want to go to the ER I will go with you. If you want to talk I will be here”

Awe my heart! I love her so much! She would be such a wonderful nurse!

What bothered me was how my sister reacted!

K and I could not talk about my dad and his symptoms without her “I’m not arguing with you! It’s not fine! He’s not fine! Blah blah” we could not get a word out before she would say these things to us!

Forget about mentioning anything about my cancer and my dad’s COVID! What would I know about being ill and in the hospital? “Don’t you remember how serious Dad’s illness was?!” Um yes.

Her attitude didn’t help K’s emotional state.

People don’t realize how traumatic their illness can affect their loved ones. My cancer was very traumatic for Kai! She thought I was going to die. then Grandpa almost died from COVID?

Kai became sick months ago. We didn’t realize how sick. Because her symptoms mirrored menstruation.

My niece had been lethargic. Complaining of being unable to eat, and nausea. My sister brushed it off. As attention seeking.

So when she became sicker she didn’t want to go to the hospital. She told my mom she didn’t want to end up like me.

That broke my heart! I told her when I was finally diagnosed that was the happiest day of my life! She went to the ER with me and her mom.

She had a bacterial infection in her intestines!

So when my sister told Kai and we don’t know what it was like for Grandpa- maybe he was scared to go? Kai became upset!

“I do! Because I was scared! I’m going to go with Grandpa if he wants!”

I smiled at my niece. “Grandpa would love it!” I glared at my sister “grow up! Not every thing is about you!”

EVERYTHING WENT WELL

Every thing went well.

I thought I was ok. I was fine walking into the clinic.

Being weighed having my blood pressure measured all I kept hearing was my mother’s words “you’re too fat. You gained too much weight. The doctor will be angry!”

I almost burst into tears when the doctor kept bringing up my cancer symptoms when I was diagnosed.

I dreaded the exam. What if she did find something. I kept expecting to feel pain when the speculum went in.

Nothing hurt. No pain in the pelvic and rectum exam. I was so happy. Especially when the doctor said she found nothing wrong. That any pain from previous exams was from radiation damage.

I have to have CT scan and blood work when I return home.

But what a great day.

I also had to apologize to my mom for being such a bitch.

However nothing hurt! 😆

The doctor said the pain felt from previous follow was probably

AS EXPECTED? Family drama

“Why do we have to do what she wants! The world doesn’t revolve around you, Becky!”

“It is about me! This trip is about me! My trip! Not yours! This isn’t a vacation! You didn’t have to come! Now shut your mouth before I punch your teeth so far down your throat you will eat your food with your vagina!”

At last I am alone! In bed! Peace and quiet for now.

The hotel room was gorgeous!

My dad reserved a room for me at the Marriott!

And I have to share with my mom! Two queen beds.

I was so happy!

Every time I come to Prince George I have to stay in rat holes!

As expected my sister had a complete meltdown. She had a temper tantrum.

We couldn’t find the underground parkade because the public library parkade was right next to the hotel!

She wanted to cancel our stay at the Marriott to stay at some rat motel so she could be close to everything.

“We are close to cancer care” I replied curtly.

“But not shopping aka Tim Horton’s”

“Yes we are”

Once we checked in, her temper tantrum went on. In the hallway.

Another guest stepped outside to see what the commotion was. I was so embarrassed. I apologized to him. He went back inside his room.

“Will you shut the fuck up!” I hissed. “Shut up. I hear one more word from you…”

“You can’t talk to me like that”

I snapped. I lost my shit! I hauled back my fist, ready to knock her out. My sister hurried inside her room.

I chilled for a bit until I realized I brought the wrong charger. Both my phone and iPad was dead.

We went shopping and my sister realized that I was right. There was shopping and Tim Horton’s right around the corner. My sister never shut her mouth the entire time we were shopping.

I bought the wrong charger again! Went to the corner store bought another. It was scary. All the drug dealers and gang members were coming out.

I returned to my room after informing my mom and sister I was going to go sleep. Collapsed on the bed. Not even half hour later my sister knocked on the door.

“Mom wants pizza”

“Oh my god, I am sleeping why are you bugging me?” I snapped “I told you I was sleeping”

“But mom”

“I don’t care do what y’all want!” I closed the door and now I have to try to sleep before my mom comes back🤬