JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS


Trigger warning: food. Eating disorder perhaps.

I had to do some shopping today.

I was in the middle of making lunch when my dad asked if I wanted to shop earlier so I said yes. I didn’t get far on the lunch fixings so I abandoned it.

I was stupid enough to believe we would go to the mall once We started driving but no we had to go to the house and pick up my mom.

Once there, my mother started in on my eating. I rolled my eyes. My dad had to eat right away because of his medication so why didn’t I eat? how come y’all didn’t eat before he came and picked me up?

They ate but of course I didn’t hear the end of my mother’s nagging about my eating.

  • Eat more protein! You need to eat more protein! – I don’t cook.
  • Stop eating so much eggs! There is so much cholesterol! – I stopped eating eggs awhile ago. I love eggs.
  • You are going to die! Look at that fat! You are so fat! You had cancer! Now you’re going to die from liver and kidney failure.
  • Do you know what it’s going to say in obituary? You ate so many fried foods you died from French fries! – no more than you will die from your sausage and gravy!

We arrived at Walmart. Of course I wanted to be myself. I started heading to the restaurant and my mom called out to me “Becky aren’t you going to shop first?”

“Um no I’m hungry” I began to walk away.

“Well we will join you!”

I rolled my eyes. I was becoming irritated because my food anxiety was rising. I ordered food and their coffee

No sooner than I sat down then my mother began her tirade.

  • Why are you eating?
  • Look at that salt?
  • I can’t believe I am sitting here watching my daughter eating this- no one asked you.
  • Oh my good that has seeds! You’re going to get sick!
  • Look how much food you are eating! – I was eating normal amount.

“I haven’t eaten anything since dinner last night” I replied. I had only a few bites of my lunch as she went on her tirade.

“Oh don’t give me that! You probably ate all night!! And now because you’re eating seeded bun you’re going to be sick because of your diverticulitis!” My mom sneered “don’t cry to me if you’re sick”

We are in public!” I hissed.

I can’t remember what she said next but it was triggering enough to make me see red. I grabbed the rest of my food and began to stuff it in the to go bag.

“Wait! What are you doing?!” My mother cried. “Sit down and eat!”

My dad tried to silence her. My anxiety and anger was overwhelming. “You need to shut up!” I hissed. “Stop talking about food and how I eat when I am eating!”

I slid out of the booth grabbed my purse and marched to the garbage can and threw my food out.

I was so hungry by the time I returned home. I made myself a late lunch. I only had a few bites.

I hate eating in front of people. I hate having people watching me eat. I am already finding it difficult to eat foods that I used to love. Every thing is going to shit.

THE MONDAYEST OF ALL THURSDAYS!


My day was the Mondayest of all Thursdays!

I had a horrible day.

I just felt broken. I wanted to walk off I was so defeated. So disgusted with customers!

I was only half hour into my shift!

I had greeted the customer.

“I want 2 sausage eggs and a bacon egg”

I had just changed the battery in my battery pack so I couldnt hear her properly. “I am sorry did you ask for 2 sausage egg and a bacon egg?” I asked. My tone was non confrontational. Polite.

This woman took a strip off me! I was so astounded by her aggressive rudeness!

“No I didnt ask for anything like that! How about you stop interrupting me so I can get my order out!”

My hackles rose so I tried again. Politely. “I am sorry I didnt hear you. So that is why I asked. What is it that you ordered.”

“Stop talking over me! Stop interrupting me!”

What the hell was she even talking about?

“I am sorry?”

“You are being rude! Stop talking!” I was so bewildered.

“Ma’am I am trying to take your order. I am not being rude.”

“I said stop talking! You are the rudest…Just stop talking!”

Something inside me snapped. “Thats it. You are done!” I shouted. “You are done!”

“No I am not. I didnt finished my order” she shot back.

“You are done. Finished. I am cancelling your order!” I could feel my anxiety rising. I am glancing over at Steve. Praying he didnt hear me. Praying no manager would hear me. I didnt want a disciplinary action

“Do you know how long I waited in line? I waited 20 minutes! I am not leaving. I will wait right here until you take my order!” she shouted at me.

“Go ahead!” I sneered. I voided her order. “You will be waiting all day.”

She continued to yell at me. I could feel my anger and frustration turning into tears. I whipped off my headset. “Steve” I tried not to let him hear the shakiness in my voice. “Or Greg. Could you take her order?”

“Becky what is wrong?” Steve asked.

“She is being so rude!” I burst into tears. Greg took the headset. He marched into the booth and I followed him.

Right away she began telling him how rude I had been. Greg glanced at me. “I will deal with it later, Ma’am tell me your order!”

He finished the order and looked at me. “She told me you were rude.”

“She kept telling me to shut up” I answered. “I asked her one question and she kept telling me I was being rude.”

Greg scowled. “Yeah well I will talk to her.”

It took me a while to recover. I was so tired of being polite. Of saying “thank you” and “please”

I had no patience after. “Ma’am I am trying to mult-task, finish ordering and stop helloing me!” I shouted when this lady kept helloing me after item she ordered.

customer: can you read back my order?

me: no its on the screen.

Customer: I want a crispy Caesar wrap.

Me: sure.

Customer: the chicken. I want the chicken crispy.

me: I am sorry?

customer: is it crispy.

me: yes a crispy chicken caesar.

customer: it says Caesar crispy. I don’t want my lettuce crispy!

This man was in his thirties! I would understand if he was a teenager! I had to take off my headset! “Do I need to hand out IQ tests too!” I shouted.

The girls giggled.

Customer: I want a medium fries.

me: oh sure.

Customer: make it a meal.

me: make what a meal?

Customer: the fries.

me: excuse me?

customer: the fries! Make it a meal. Junior chicken!

me: for the love! Next time it would be helpful if you tell me you want a junior chicken meal!

Today I broke my caffeine fast because I was under so much stress.

After work I brought an Iced Coffee. Certainly not the buzz alcohol would have gave me but I needed it!

When I arrived at my parents, I prayed my mother wouldnt give me a hard time about drinking the Iced Coffee. “Mom I need alcohol.” I joked. “but I have to settle for this” I held up my drink.

She opened the fridge door. I stared at her. She gestured to the wine bottles inside. “There you go. You said you needed alcohol.”

I burst out laughing. I was so startled by her sudden sense of humour. “mom!”

“You want the whole bottle?” she asked.

“Yes”

She walked by me into the living room. “Becky, what is that smell?”

I froze. What?

“What?”

“Becky, you smell!”

I stared at my mom in horror. “No! Are you kidding me?!”

Well under different circumstances I would have had a meltdown. I absolutely hate body odor. I’m fastidious about my hygiene. The day I was having, I was surprised by anything anymore. I felt so drained and even more defeated.

“How? I am sorry.” I sighed.

“and you complain about your co-workers smelling.” my mom shook her head, amused.

“Do I really smell?” I wanted to cry. I wasnt upset that my mom told me. I was upset not only was I a beast to work with today? I smelled like one. I was such a burden on my coworkers!

My mom gave me some clothes to wear so I could shower and then I could put my uniform in the wash.

It was a rough day. I am ashamed that I let it get the better of me. Again. I am ready to sleep it all away.

IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN


It’s a glorious day!

Beautiful sunny warm day! +7C with the winds up 90km!

I was feeling better this weekend. I decided to organize some of my belongings. I was inspired by this tiktoker:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMLYmRCqQ/

I am absolutely terrified of going back to that dark place in my life where I was overwhelmed by clutter and mess. My mental health had declined that it was a struggle to clean. I refuse to live like that again.

While I was tidying up I realized that Everything I bought was under the delusion it was making my life easier. I was just chasing a dopamine high. I never realized that was a thing! If it was pretty and it made me feel better/ made life easier I needed to buy it! My cancer treatment made my OCD worse. If there was a cleaning product I needed it. I wanted it. I had to have it.

It was very cathartic!

This morning I went to my parents for brunch.

Later I went shopping for a few things it was the first time I went out in awhile.

Such a productive weekend!

TIRED OF EXPLAINING MYSELF


I had lots of energy today but by mid-afternoon I was physically exhausted.

I made the mistake of going to my parents for dinner.

Had I known they were having company over I would have stayed home.

My mom was glaring at me. I was minding my business. Staying quiet only speaking when spoken to.

Yet she was glaring at me.

“Oh my god how long does it take you to get up?” She complained when I was getting up to go to the table.

“Excuse me” I was bewildered.

“You’re getting too fat you can’t even get up.”

I glared at her. I could get up just fine, but it was out of habit that I got up slowly. Two years of being severely ill. it was a reflex. I was tired of explaining that to her.

I sat myself at the table. I was offered cheese bread by a guest, but my mom snarked “she is on a diet! She can’t eat that!”

Again the whole time my mom was glaring at me.

She then had the gall to call me a few minutes ago “Becky, you need to stop eating! You are so morbidly obese you can’t even walk! You can’t even get up!”

I was just stunned by her attack. I am already having a hard time eating. Finding food that I like. I burst into tears.

“Oh stop your crying!” She snapped.

“I am already having anxiety about eating! Everything I eat is bland. I hardly eat anything!”

“Then stop eating eggs or whatever you have for breakfast!” My mom snapped. “You’re so huge. Start walking!”

“You know nothing about my body, you stupid bitch!” I shouted and I hung up.

She tried to call again but I didn’t answer.

What did I expect? she thought my tumour was fat. Thought it was horrible I was gaining my appetite back during chemo, despite my nurse telling her I needed the food.

I’m so tired of this already. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. No one listens anyway.

WATCH: ADHD HOUSE


This video was such fascinating watch. It really made me think how I run my life and household.

Point of Performance?

I figured it was Common sense. work smarter not harder.

I have always figured it was my lack of motivation ahem laziness that made me figure out how to get my household into a routine I enjoy. I would become extremely anxious if my parents household or work place didn’t follow my logical thinking.

(I have almost gotten my drive thru team trained to my way of thinking it’s the graveyard shift that irks me!🤬)

I never thought it was anything to about sensory or distraction but only from a logical point of view.

Even in chaos there is order. I become paranoid if my place is not clean. Or I am not clean.

I have everything in its place. At eye level. I try not to have any clutter. I feel claustrophobic if there is clutter. I love the smell of clean!

Even makeup and toiletries. Neat and in row so I can find it. No stress.

Laundry has been a contention of mine. Ever since I was a child. I hate it. it has become more stressful and more agitating now. It’s gotten to the point I only live in my uniform and pjs. I will dress up if only I go shopping or out.

Laundry for me symbolizes dirtiness and disorganization!

I struggle with having enough energy to deal with it or if I’m lucky I won’t have pain flare ups. The idea of not doing my laundry fills me with guilt. I don’t know why.

If I see my laundry hamper I freak out and I want to clean. So I hide it. 🤦‍♀️🤬😢

I even clean in a methodical way. Kitchen. Living room. Bedroom. Bathroom.

I cannot start anywhere else. I have to start kitchen first.

Makes me wonder what other quirks I have.

COMFORTED BY THE CATS


I came home after dinner and hugged Daisy. I was still crying when I looked up to find Smoky at the patio door. I hurried to let him in. Then his brother the tux suddenly appeared.

I was amazed by the neighbourhood cats sudden appearance. At the same time. Never happens! I cried harder. Hugging Smoky and then Daisy, I was comforted. The Tux wouldn’t let me near him. I was still happy to see him. He looked so much like Fred!

Daisy was a little mad because I wouldn’t let her outside. Oh no whatever shall she do?!

I said a little prayer for Fritz, and thanked God for the cats for visiting!

I DONT HAVE TO


I should be doing something. Anything. But I don’t want to.

But my cat is nagging me! She sounds like my mom!

“I told you to clean this up! Does this look clean to you! Clean it! Don’t make me come in here again!”

Sigh! Cats are a great motivator when you are feeling down!

I don’t know what I would do without Daisy 🥰🥰

MOOD: bored!


I have to grab some caffeine! An Iced Capp. A cold brew. Anything with caffeine! I am going absolutely bonkers! I am so bored!

I am going to claw off my face!

Last night I spent some time writing. Correction. Experimenting.

My niece suggested I try Google Docs instead of WordPress for my writing.

I got bored.

This morning I read three books. 1 of which was a Did Not Finish. the title and premise sounded great. Black Annis. The Witch blah or something other. The writing voice? Boring as fuck!

Eek! I am boring as fuck! am I bored? Or is it depression? I just don’t feel like doing anything!

BORED IN THE HOUSE! Bored!

(You know you have chemo brain when: Wow it took me forever to figure out the word I wanted to use was “experimenting” I actually had to ask my sister! )

A BLESSING


It takes a lot of strength to rebuild after a failed relationship. Especially if children are involved.

Not to be bitter or resentful despite the pain one must be in. To be mindful of how children are not used or turned against their parent.

Having a good co-parenting relationship is really admirable.

This woman cleaned her ex-husband’s house because he was struggling with stress and depression that he found it hard to be with their kids.

I cried watching this.

Such a wonderful thing to do!

Some people don’t realize how a simple gesture like cleaning can be a blessing!

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdnKJhXV/

I NEED THE CAFFEINE


Trigger warning ⚠️

“How come you are drinking so many ice coffees! Why are you eating a bagel?! Do you want your cancer to come back?”

“Stop telling me what to eat! You are giving me anxiety! I can’t eat around you! You are always fussing and bitching about what I eat!”

“How many iced coffee have you had?”

“3” in two days!

“You’re drinking all this sugar and not walking. Complaining you have to walk to your appointment”

It was useless to explain why I didn’t want to walk to my appointment. I would have to draw pictures.

Oh my gulay! I want to be home already but no they want to take the long way home. Stop every five minutes to see the sights.

I don’t want to have to hear anymore complaining.