I was dreaming of him. Shades of electric blue and white. The song “what’s left of me” by Nick Lachey had been the last song I heard before I fell into my deep sleep.
M and I had one night of passion before he left. Surprisingly I was pregnant. I was so scared, so angry. not because of M finding out. I was scared of how the baby would turn out. From all of the medication I had been taking, my baby would be deformed.
I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. It was a miracle! No one knew who the father was. I couldnt tell anyone. Especially M.
It was a few years, M and I still carried on. It was so hard to keep this a secret from him. He had noticed my body changed. He noticed my behaviour had become more calm patient. I laughed more, I was less aggressive. He would lie in bed with me, stroking my hair studying me.
“What” I teased “Why do you keep staring at me like that.”
He laughed rolling ontop his back, bringing me with him. “I havent seen you like this, not even when you were a kid.” he murmured, as I rested my head on his chest. “there is a glow about you. You are happy. Really happy. I am not a fool, Becky. I know I am not the reason you are. Not that I am complaining.”
I tensed. My heart skipped a beat. His fingers stroked along my back. “You dont have to tell me why.” he murmured. “I just wish you would. No pressure ok. I love you. I love seeing you like this.” he paused. “It gives me a break from all the intense drama you create.”
I began to giggle. I couldnt help it. “Really? Intense drama?” I wheezed. I raised my head to gaze into his eyes. My heart squeezed painfully in my chest, I was overwhelmed by all the emotions I was experiencing. “I love you.” I murmured.
The next day was a beautiful sunny. Popular fluff floating in the air, the crisp scent of freshly cut grass lingered. I arrived at my son’s preschool just before their class ended. I waited just outside the door.
I could hear the teacher dismissing the children, and I opened door to walk in. A small boy with white blond hair ran towards me. “Mommy! Mommy!” he cried. He was a beautiful boy. His blue eyes shining. His chubby arms waving a piece of paper. He was wearing a navy blue shorts and white teeshirt. I caught him up in my arms. Breathing in his scent.
“What do you have there?” I asked. He showed me his picture proudly. A picture drawn in crayon.
“Wow you are quite the artist. Shall I hang it up?” I asked. He nodded.
I turned on my heel and started to walk out of the preschool when M stepped into my path.
My heart stopped in disbelief, my body twisting to protect my son. To hide him.
M wore slate grey trousers, and electric blue shirt. Opened at the collar the cuffs rolled up the forearms. He was so distracting. He stared at me then my son.
“You followed me?” I asked.
He strode up to me. “I did.” he answered. M smiled at my son. “Hello” did he see any resemblance now that he was so close. He held out his hand to shake my son’s hand.
“Dont touch him” I knocked his hand away. I backed away. “You need to go.”
Confusion and hurt darkened M’s eyes. “Becky, what is this?”
I stepped around him and tried to walk away but M kept in step. “Becky!” he snapped. “Stop!”
I froze at the tone of his voice and turned slowly to face him. I kissed my son and lowered him to the ground. “Why dont you find a snack in my purse!” I suggested placing my purse in front of him.
“Ok mommy.” my son settled on the ground and began to rummage through the bag. I tried not to cry.
M took my hand slowly turning me around to face him. “Is he your secret?” he whispered. “You have a son. You couldnt tell me.”
M inhaled slowly. His forehead rested on mine. “You realize I would have found out the truth sooner or later.” he breathed. My lungs and throat hurt from trying not to cry. “The resemblance is remarkable. He looks so much like my eldest did at that age.”
A sob escaped my lips. “I am sorry. I didn’t think…” I tried to speak.
“ssh.” M kissed the top of my head. “I know you didn’t plan to get pregnant. I know you never wanted children. Our son is a miracle.” he chuckled. “um so what is his name? I swear if you named him..”
I snorted. “hell no!” I squirmed free to scoop up my son. “His name is Michael.”
M smiled and reached for Michael.
- that is when I woke up! I hate being lonely. I hate being single when I have dreams like this because my heart longs for love. When I dream of babies I wonder would be an excellent mother.
- Oh the humanity!