BE BOLD -MANDY HALE


“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”
— Mandy Hale (The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

HAPPY TO BE SINGLE


If I had a dating profile?

This song would be the before

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMd3WNB7x/

This would be the after.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMd3WFRNM/

Scary! Even eHarmony wouldn’t be able to help!

This weekend made me so feel happy I was single.

Honestly, unless someone was caring, compassionate and committed, I don’t think a partner would be able to deal with a Cancer prognosis, the treatment and then the effects afterwards.

In my naïveté, I believed that the physical side effects would last months to a year. Emotional outbursts I could handle, but having my body turn against me at the inopportune time? No!

This morning was so rough, I wondered why I even got up.

It began normal, a cool shower. I felt something tickle the back of my throat. I choked. I have horrible gag reflex. I ended up vomiting all over the shower stall. Then to my horror, rumble bum.

It took me half hour to scrub myself clean, the tub. I was almost late for my ride to work.

Moments before I was to begin work, I was in “dire straits” Almost late.

The whole shift my chemo brain was in high gear. I had to keep apologizing for my brain fog. Apologizing if I was little edgy.

Meanwhile I was having severe anxiety about my hygiene. my OCD was flared. I kept rubbing hand soap all over all my uniform. Washing my hands.

Being unclean is not option. being around someone who smells, triggers my OCD. I am in a constant state of hyper vigilance. So myself being unclean? I was going nuts!!!

The whole time I had that horrible thought in the back of my mind. What if my lover had to see all that? Better yet, what kind of person would I be if I to were have a loved one go through an illness?

It was a sobering thought. Suddenly my bad morning (?) seemed insignificant.

EXPECTATIONS VS REALITY


After reading Ren’s recent post, it had me thinking?

I am boring.

I thought that once I would be become an adult, I would lead a fascinating life.

I would be married, have kids, host dinner parties, go out.

No. That has been lie!

No marriage. No kids. No exciting life.

I work the same job since high school! 😱🤦‍♀️

On the plus side?

  • I’m a cat lady. Who treats her cat like her baby 🥰
  • I can’t cook to save my life so others do it for me! Yeah me!
  • Everything I ever wanted as a teen I can buy now with my own money!
  • Social life? what social life? that was my twenties. Now it’s sleep eat watch tv.

I haven’t had the love for blogging/writing as I once did. WP irritates me with their new format. That and trying to find new ideas to write about is mind numbing.

I am enjoying my guilty pleasures!

TikTok. – I am so obsessed with crystals, aesthetic rooms, anime, etc

Twitter- I tweet about my shows, soaps. It’s heaven.

Instagram: it’s all about the cat.

Facebook: friends post about my so called non existent life. Cute animals.

Sometimes I wonder if I had social media when I was young would I be Gossip Girl?

ME COOK?! Don’t be ridiculous!


My niece is on a nice steady recovery. She remarked yesterday how she missed making me lunch and snuggling with me when I was sick.

I almost cried. I told her with heart felt sincerity, that those days were the best days of my life! That waking up to find her in the kitchen cooking and singing was the best medicine!

We would watch mukbangs while we ate and watch YouTube in bed while we snuggled!

“You don’t know how much I appreciated that you helped me” I tried not to cry telling her that.

Kai was getting her appetite back so she made us some Kraft dinner.

We really had a lovely afternoon.

“How come you never cook dinner?” My dad asked when he called to see how Kai made out giving Fritz a bath. (Fritz the cat was chilling)

“Me? Cook dinner?” I was incredulous. “Never! Why? when I have Mel and Kai!”

Mel is a wonderful cook! 🥰🥰 so I don’t know what happened to me that I don’t know how to cook 😂😂 or is it because I am lazy.

Today I am making my favourite lunch. Brussel sprouts in butter. Mini bell peppers and Maybe noodles.

That’s whenever I decide to get out of the bath!

WHEN THE DARK CLOUDS ROLL


The dark clouds rolled, unleashing their fury with thunder and rain. The sharp crack of lightening made me jump.

M’s hands came down on my shoulders to offer comfort. I didn’t need to see his face to see how he was not happy with me.

“I don’t think you should do this. Taylor is already agitated by the storm coming and if he senses your fear” M lowered his voice so only I could hear.

I turned from the window. I glanced at my lover then to the huge 6’4 teenager that paced anxiously in the foyer.

I smiled. “I will be fine. Taylor won’t hurt me” I assured M. I pulled away.

M scowled. “I just don’t understand why you won’t let me come with you.” He protested. “It could be dangerous.”

I shook my head. I was worried about the danger going into the storm, as well. Taylor was towering giant. His strength was immense when he was afraid. Yet it was his capability for unyielding compassion is why I knew he could do this. To help another who needed us.

M tucked his hands in his pockets and watched as I tried to tame my dark curls into a pony tail. It was when I was shrugging into a light weight jacket that he realized I wasn’t staying.

“Taylor Had to deal with deep rooted trauma. Being shipped from Foster home to home, no one could deal with his outbursts or his odd behaviour from his abuse.” I whispered. “Can you imagine how alone he felt and neglected?”

M rubbed the bridge of his nose. “He made so much progress with us, I don’t want to see him regress or you go through that pain again. Taylor has been so happy…”

I froze. M’s words sinking into me. I couldn’t hear the rest of M’s reasoning. Emotions swelled within me, threatening to choke me.

“Us?” I echoed.

M made a disgruntled noise, scowling. “What do you mean by that? Of course, I consider Taylor to be one of my sons,” M’s answered coolly. “My boys adore him. Don’t try to distract me! Taylor improved dramatically since he was us. I still can’t believe that yahoo of a Quack diagnosed him with autism! Useless twit!”

I struggled to keep control, blinking back tears. All this time I had believed that M had allowed Taylor to stay out of obligation to me! Did he truly care for him too?

M pulled his hands out of his pockets and reached for me. “Come on, did you really think I was some heartless guy who would make you choose between the man you love,” he chastised roughly “or the kid you grew to love? You want the both worlds I will give to you. I will do everything in my power to protect Taylor!” He kissed my forehead “I love you. I love that kid.”

“Dad?” Taylor’s child like voice startled us both. I blinked wiping my tears away.

“Hey kiddo,” M grinned, “did you get your raincoat on?” He adjusted the hood on Taylor’s jacket.

Taylor’s face was pale and drawn. “I’m scared, dad”

M swallowed hard. He glanced at me. “He called me dad”

I was wide eye, “Taylor, he is not your dad” I hugged Taylor “do we know what his name is?”

Taylor shook his head, “no, they said I am part of the family. I have brothers and I am to call him” Taylor pointed at M “dad like they do and call you mom”

Regaining his composure, M chuckled. “My sons thought he was confused on why they could call me dad and he didn’t” he explained. His expression softened. “Dad will be here when you and mom come back, ok champ?”

The rain was relentless when Taylor and I arrived at Taylor’s former group home.

Taylor began to rock in his seat, his fear almost tangible.

My chest tightened. My heart broke seeing him so distraught. “It will be ok Taylor. I am here.”

“No” Taylor whispered. His rocking became faster. “No. No. No” his head whipped to the side and in the moment he saw his reflection in the glass. Rivulets of rain trickling down the glass, distorting his image. He clapped his hands to head and began to scream.

“Taylor!” I grappled with him. “Taylor look at me!”

“No no no” he screamed. He tried to push me off him.

“Taylor” I hugged him, holding him close. Humming softly, I let him cry. “You are so strong”

“I am not” came the furtive reply sometime later. “I cried like a baby.

I kissed the top of his head. “It’s ok. It’s ok to cry. I cry”

“Does dad?”

It was strange to hear him call M that. “Yes I believe he does”

“Oh”

“It’s ok to cry when we are happy sad or hurt” I whispered “you were hurt, Taylor. Sometimes people forget about it so they don’t have to deal with the pain. It’s ok too”

“Like me”

I smoothed another tear from Taylor’s cheek. Taylor’s abuse had been so horrific that it left him brain damaged with the mentality of a 7 year old trapped in a 19 year old body. “Yes just like you”

Taylor smiled, “I was afraid.” He sniffed “but I am not anymore”

I kissed his forehead “you are brave. Now we need to be brave for someone else too”

Taylor’s features became somber. “Someone is hurt”

“Yes”

“Like I was”

“Yes”

“And you are helping them” Taylor’s voice trembled.

“Yes” I was dreading the next few moments.

“Like you helped me”

I nodded. “Do you know why you are with me, Taylor?”

Taylor wiped his tears. “If the kid sees me they won’t be scared. I need to be brave like Super Man”

His understanding of the situation was astonishing. “I won’t be scared anymore, mom.” He unbuckled his seat belt. “I promise. Come on” he opened the car door as lightening zigzagged across the sky. “Don’t be scared, mom”

I smiled “I won’t be”

OH MY HEAD HURTS!


I am so happy it’s Friday!

I am going to watch kdramas and eat all the junk food!

I need so much caffeine to recover from today and it’s not even done! Ooh I want Boba tea!!!

How I knew my day was going to start off like a shit show?

“Now i have the time of life” Jennifer Warner was stuck in my head. I was asked to start early.

A customer got upset because she couldn’t be bothered to look at the screen and demanded to know if I was taking her order?!

Or the one woman who kept asking if we have pancake/bacon meals. I repeated 3x each item slowly what pancakes we have. “you don’t have any pancake bacon at all?” She asked.

I threw a cup. “Ma’am I told you 3x what kind of platters we have!!!”

“Oh I couldn’t understand you! You were talking to fast!” Me?! Talking too fast?! Bitch, I was talking like Eeyore! damn millennials!

Of course I am not working with my drive thru team. I am working with the weekend drive thru team!🤬😡🤦‍♀️😱

I have been instructing them on basic procedures but it’s like critical thinking is not even thing?

And they forgot the sauce to my nuggets! So there is the karma!

INTO THE THICK OF IT!


Why does everyone think they know our job better than we do -Steve

Ugh we are on Phase four now of getting back to normal.

In one year(?) have I forgotten everything?

We have to use trays and ask “is to stay?” Just take the bag and sit down! Just thinking about cleaning up after ketchup messes brings back horrible memories!

The play land is still closed. Crushing the dreams of parents everywhere!

I have been having these horrible day dreams about when I don’t have to have wear a mask at work.

I have to watch my facial expressions! My eye rolls are so out of hand, my eyes hurt!

The one thing I am dreading?

I always have my mouth open. Like what am I? a dimwit?

Oh now I have to smile?!

A mask hid my hideous features. I was the Phantom. Now they will see my true form.

On another note? Alberta’s has stop treating COVID like a pandemic. stop COVID testing . Closed COVID testing sites. (Even though there is a resurgence of COVID) opened restaurants. No masks. Don’t need vaccines.

Now other provinces, the states even other countries are banning Albertans from traveling.

ITS NOT OK FOR YOU TO BE TALKING ABOUT THESE THINGS


My sister made lasagna for the family. She is such a wonderful cook!

When we arrived at my parents, my dad wasn’t feeling well. He protested going to the ER. He still had horrible trauma(?) from being in a coma and didn’t want to go through that again.

“That” being told there is nothing wrong with him until he ended up in coma.

However he told us he was having difficulty speaking. He made light of how he was feeling. Trying not to frighten K. When it was time to eat, he was supposed to sit at the table. Instead he wandered around, stopped and stared for moments in space. Then when we insisted he go to ER he waved it off.

Suddenly he began to cry. he walked to his room came back to eat. Acting as if nothing happened.

Kai tried to comfort him. “It’s ok, grandpa if you want to go to the ER I will go with you. If you want to talk I will be here”

Awe my heart! I love her so much! She would be such a wonderful nurse!

What bothered me was how my sister reacted!

K and I could not talk about my dad and his symptoms without her “I’m not arguing with you! It’s not fine! He’s not fine! Blah blah” we could not get a word out before she would say these things to us!

Forget about mentioning anything about my cancer and my dad’s COVID! What would I know about being ill and in the hospital? “Don’t you remember how serious Dad’s illness was?!” Um yes.

Her attitude didn’t help K’s emotional state.

People don’t realize how traumatic their illness can affect their loved ones. My cancer was very traumatic for Kai! She thought I was going to die. then Grandpa almost died from COVID?

Kai became sick months ago. We didn’t realize how sick. Because her symptoms mirrored menstruation.

My niece had been lethargic. Complaining of being unable to eat, and nausea. My sister brushed it off. As attention seeking.

So when she became sicker she didn’t want to go to the hospital. She told my mom she didn’t want to end up like me.

That broke my heart! I told her when I was finally diagnosed that was the happiest day of my life! She went to the ER with me and her mom.

She had a bacterial infection in her intestines!

So when my sister told Kai and we don’t know what it was like for Grandpa- maybe he was scared to go? Kai became upset!

“I do! Because I was scared! I’m going to go with Grandpa if he wants!”

I smiled at my niece. “Grandpa would love it!” I glared at my sister “grow up! Not every thing is about you!”

BONE TIRED


Ah Monday’s!

My nemesis!

I was in a wonderful mood until my first order had the absolute gall to trigger my rage!

The first order!

His voice was barely audible over his truck so I had to keep repeating his order back.

“I am sorry did you say a large double double?” I asked.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! No I didn’t say that!” He exploded.

My head jerked up so fast, I almost broke my neck. I could have cared less if I got his order right. I don’t bother with politeness when people don’t speak loud and clear. I was in a good mood, but now I was bitchy!😁

But no he had to flap his lips! “First of all don’t give me attitude when I am checking if it’s right! I can’t hear you if you’re mumbling! Next time speak up over your truck so I can hear you! Alright?!”

I was just so bone tired. Exhausted. I was zoning out. it took all I had to get through the day!

My thoughts were preoccupied with Vampire Knight 🤢🤮 A manga/anime. I was humming the opening theme song when it occurred to me that it’s opening was similar to Trinity Blood and Witch Hunter Robin.

I became so obsessed with the idea, that I took longer acknowledging orders.

I raced home to compare the anime openings. I wasn’t crazy, right?

Turned out I had mashed up Trinity Blood and Vampire Knight 🤦‍♀️ technically I was right.

A BLESSING


It takes a lot of strength to rebuild after a failed relationship. Especially if children are involved.

Not to be bitter or resentful despite the pain one must be in. To be mindful of how children are not used or turned against their parent.

Having a good co-parenting relationship is really admirable.

This woman cleaned her ex-husband’s house because he was struggling with stress and depression that he found it hard to be with their kids.

I cried watching this.

Such a wonderful thing to do!

Some people don’t realize how a simple gesture like cleaning can be a blessing!

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdnKJhXV/

IT WAS JUST A NICE DAY


I am surprised today went well. I only had to draw a picture once. Because obviously when a lady orders a cheeseburger and apple juice it’s a happy meal 🤦‍♀️ no bro, it’s a cheeseburger!

I must say this is also me! When Someone complains about me.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdnWDr25/