BE BOLD -MANDY HALE


“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”
— Mandy Hale (The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

IS IT INDIFFERENCE


“I will find my rest in God alone. He is the One who gives me hope. He alone is my rock. He is the One who saves me. He is like a fort to me. I will always be secure.”

Psalm 62:5-6

Is it indifference? Ambiguous? Cowardice?

I don’t know.

My feelings towards what I’m going through is up in the air.

People expect me to react or feel a certain way but I don’t and won’t every time something happens.

Monday however was when I broke. I was so depressed. I was so uncertain of how my diagnosis would affect my life and for the first time I was afraid.

Then I was getting angry. I was tired of hearing about how “this person” dealt with their cancer. Or “this person” has the same kind of cancer as me.

I just wanted to curl up in my bed listening to music or watch my Kdramas. Ignore everyone.

And I wanted to sleep. Because at least in my dreams I was happier and snuggling with someone I loved.

My mother’s friends wanted to come and visit. I didn’t want to visit. I didn’t want to indulge polite conversation. I could barely focus.

I wanted to visit my friends of course. I miss them. I miss goofing off with them alot💕

However I received a nice flower bouquet, herb garden kit,a pizza, goldfish crackers from one of my mother’s friends so that was nice. My friend gave me a card with some lovely bible quotes that I have to put in my bible. It cheered me up a lot.

my chemo starts in April. I have 3 cycles then radiation. I hope it goes well. My body is rebelling against my regime and still hasn’t healed properly from my surgery 😡

I just have to focus on how I have been blessed 💕

DONT TRY TO FIX ME


Ive never been in a long term relationship. I’ve always had this kind of paranoia (?) my partner would tried to “fix” me in order to be his kind of perfect. Beautiful. Successful. Etc. 

I don’t want to be Elizabeth Doolittle, I just want to be accepted for who I am.

A SCARY CALL


I just got the pathology from my surgeon. It was clear cell carcinoma 😟 from all the biopsies she took it hadn’t spread, but it is an aggressive cancer.

So I have to have chemo & radiation treatment.

Waking up to this.

I should have asked was the cancer in stage 1 or later. I’m hoping we caught it at stage 1.

GIVE THE WORLD


He promised he would give her anything she asked. The world if she wished. His heart was hers, his next breath too if she so desired.

In three words. I love you.

Good job me!


Just my luck. On my flight home

I’m seated by a good looking guy and I look like a scrub. And Probably smell like ass too 😆

WHAT A FEELING


Woke up feeling wonderful this morning

I was released from the hospital yesterday! I slept for 12 hours in blessed silence. Woke up twice only to take a pain med and some water!

The silence was wonderful!

No snoring, no people talking in their sleep. I rather enjoyed that. It made me laugh 😂

The bed was so comfy💕💕

I think I am going home on Tuesday

I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS A SETBACK


I was doing well until my devious body turned against me! I was vomiting more than I should. Passing gas wasn’t happening. Whoever thought chewing gum would wake up the GI system was an asshole!

I chewed sugar free gum and air buildup in my body killed me!

Warm water wakes up the GI system! My belly and bowels were gurgling.

Unfortunately I was vomiting. So the doctor decided I needed a NG tube.

What a nightmare!🤢😡

But I think the best part of lying here is listening to the other patients. Their stories.

I’ve listened to an middle aged Chinese woman and her family. A Filipino woman and her family. That was like a party 😆. I think my favourite was an man from Pakistan. He was telling stories of how different the medical system was in China from here. How he came here in 1972. He was a very nice man. Very nice to the nurses asking them about their family and life. It amazed me the different ways families care for each other.

SURGERY WAS A SUCCESS


I had my surgery yesterday morning and it was successful. I enjoyed my drug induced sleep very much so I was little resentful when the nurse woke me up in recovery. I was in there til 5! My surgery ended at 12 or something.

I am amazed how well I am doing so far. No nausea. Pain is minimal. Thanks to the drugs😜 The night was great. I guess drugs do help a lot. I even woke up thinking my surgery wasn’t done yet. I realized I was in a different bed and place! So that was crazy!

I loved my catheter! I could pee in bed! Score!

My mother didn’t want to tell me how the surgery is “you have cancer”

I groaned “great more pain”

“They took out the uterus the tubes, one ovary and some lymph nodes”

I sighed “they didn’t take both ovaries?!”

“You had endometriosis, the endometriosis caused the cancer” My mother went on “I can’t believe you were in that much pain and didn’t complain about it!”

Pain is irrelevant. I shrug it off when people ask how much pain I am in. If I can deal with it then I’m ok. But if I need lots of drugs then I am in severe pain.

However the poor Asian woman beside me! She was in so much pain and could barely speak English. I almost cried every time she would cry out in pain. She would tell the nurse she was in pain. Or nauseated. It was really bad this morning she was in so much pain she didn’t remember what year it was when asked! Her family stayed with her as much as they could. Her daughter was upset because one of the nurses didn’t take accurate enough of notes, and the day nurse didn’t understand why the mother would be having the same procedure twice. “You already did this procedure now you are doing it again? Why? Did it not work? My mother thinks this procedure is why she is bleeding so much!”

Every time she was asked a question the nurse would reply “I don’t know it was the nighttime nurse, but I will check”

I prayed for that woman.

I prayed that everything would go well with me as well.

Things are going well so far

EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL HERE


I’m so tired.

I’m happy my surgery is tomorrow. Apparently they will be doing the repair on my abdomen. Well of course how else will they close me up?

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m too tired and too sick to care if I look like a fashionista when I walk into a doctors office! However I instantly regretted it when I seen how beautiful other women are or how handsome the doctors are!

My specialist was handsome. But my mindset was “who cares?!”

There was an older Asian woman sitting in the waiting room and I loved how sophisticated she looked. Her hair was phenomenal! Her white hair streaked blended with her black hair. I just sat there looking like garbage! I want my hair to be that pretty when I get older!

While I was shopping the other day, I was in awe of how everyone appeared to be so catalogue pretty. It was like I was the fugly prop in a super model shoot!

I don’t think the oil wives ever dress up that much for Saturday shopping! Then again our mall is the size of one Vancouver’s small strip mall 😂😢 we don’t even have designer shops!